5 Reasons You Are Exhausted and Are Becoming Avoidant - and They Don’t Include Being “Anti-Social” or a True Desire to Live Off the Grid
In our fast-paced world with 24/7 communication, hustle-culture and competitive social calendars, the pressure to show up all of the time seems endless. Patterns of co-dependency and people pleasing have become the norm for many. You may find you can rationalize the perpetuating patterns that leave you depleted.
One or more of the following statements may resonate with you:
You struggle to safeguard your time, energy or focus?
Helping others or being flexible with someone else’s preference is truly not that big of a deal to you.
It brings you joy to be able to make others happy or to help them get the outcome they want.
You know you can make it happen, at least you have been able to in the past, and so you push through - you may burn out, but you have a pattern of being able to rally.
You don’t want to upset, offend or let anyone down.
These are all well-intended and genuine. But what happens when you acknowledge the cumulative effect of over-functioning, overcommitting, and when you are not able to prioritize the things that keep you healthy, happy and whole?
On Tim Ferriss’s Podcast, he shares an interview with Greg McKeown where McKeown describes his own journey of coming to a place where needed to develop boundaries, or better said, learn to prioritize what mattered most in his life, or he was at risk of losing what he valued most. In a follow up podcast #328, the one linked in this post, you have access to listening to two of the chapters of his book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.
Here is a brief synopsis:
One reason humans have difficulty saying no is that there can be an innate fear of social awkwardness. Humans are wired to get along with others as thousands of years ago, when we lived in tribes as hunters and gathers, our survival depended on it. Even though this need for belonging is no longer a matter of life or death, the desire is deeply ingrained in us. This phenomenon is one of the many reasons the thought of saying no brings us uncomfortable feelings, we worry about letting others down or damaging the relationship.
Guidelines for Saying No Gracefully, as suggested by Greg McKeown:
Separate the decision from the relationship – When people ask us to do something, we can confuse their request with our relationship with them. Sometimes they seem so interconnected that we forget that denying the request is not denying the person. Only when we separate these can we make a clear decision.
It doesn’t have to use the word “no.” – There are various ways of refusing someone clearly and politely without using the word “no.”
Focus on the trade-off – The more we think about what we are giving up if we say yes to someone, the easier it is to say no. If we don’t know what we are giving up, it is easier to believe we can add it to our to-do list and get it all done.
Remind yourself that everyone is selling something – This isn’t meant to make people cynical about others. However, if we see that everyone is selling something, such as an idea, viewpoint, or opinion, we can be more deliberate about if we want to buy it in exchange for our time.
Make peace with the fact that saying no often requires a trade-off of popularity for respect – When you say no, there is usually a short-term impact on the relationship as the other may be annoyed, angry, or disappointed. However, when these initial feelings wear off, respect kicks in, and people can come to realize that our time is valuable.
A clear no can be more graceful than a noncommittal yes and stringing someone along. Delaying the “no” will only make it much harder to deny the request later and can make the recipient more resentful.
Tips for Saying No Gracefully
To consistently say no gracefully, it can be helpful to have a variety of responses to call upon, such as:
The awkward pause – Pause and count to three when a request comes. The individual may get the impression that this will not work for you. They may also fill the awkward silence by giving you a way out.
The soft no – Say no but reschedule for a time that will work.
Let me check my calendar and get back to you – It gives you time to pause, reflect, and take control of your decisions instead of being pushed into a yes.
Say it with humour.
You are welcome to x. I am willing to y – This is for requests when you can support somewhat but can’t do it entirely. For example, you are welcome to use my car; I will leave you the keys (instead of driving you).
I cannot do it, but x might be interested – It is tempting to think that our help is invaluable, but often people requesting something don’t care if we are the ones who are assisting as long as they get the help.
Access the podcast episode here:
The Tim Ferriss Show – Episode #328 – from Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown
Link: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-tim-ferriss-show/id863897795
When you learn to safeguard your time and energy by learning how to say no gracefully you will inevitably have more to offer, will be able to prioritize and focus on the relationships and moments in life that bring you joy and foster sustained wellbeing.
